So you’ve landed your first huge gig in the retail industry. As you are obviously so excitedly preparing yourself for all the possibilities of this wondrous opportunity let me warn you there may be unexpected side effects.
Queu musical montage of mid-life socialites leaping through wheat fields and paddling boats
Random Public Outbursts
I can’t tell you the amount of times I have been out shopping in the mall and have found myself smiling as I make my way through the crowded hall, greeting every customer who will make eye contact with me. It’s an Involuntarily gut reaction to just greet complete strangers at any public place and thanking them for stopping by.
I’m a pro at keeping my meal break at a 30 minute maximum. I can make quite the spectacle in achieving all new records of scarfing down a meal anywhere, I don’t discriminate. I could provide the big top at Le Cirque.
Rain Man Powers
After earning my recognition of my 100th customer transaction I began to notice a strange power to predict grand totals. Staring at your basket of incense, Amethyst geodes, and friendship bracelets I can calculate y0ur grand total of 246.76 after tax in a awe-inspiring number of minutes.
Uncontrollable Urges to Restore Order
It doesn’t matter if you are just running in to quickly throw down a twenty for a tank of gas or just browsing the newest styles or fashions, you will not be able to resist the urge to move the misplaced peanut M&M’s back into their slot, or the golden dangle earrings back on their appropriate peg. You are programed to re-merchandise the aisles even off the clock.
It’s near impossible to sit idly by while the cashier slowly bags your groceries in the most disorganized and ill thought out method. Your hands will, take on the influence of the Addams’ family’s Thing, and before your brain can even catch up, will bag your own purchases.
The Ms. Cleo Disorder
We don’t know what it is, but there is something that happens once you take on the position of sales associate, you will be approached on your days off at the local grocer by about anyone asking where on Earth the Velveeta is stocked. “Let me get someone to help you with that…” (There must be an air about you)
The Hello Girl
Thank you for calling Clothes for Less, this is Joanne how can I help you? It happens more often then you’d like to admit, but you don’t have to because everyone who calls your cell phone will gladly mock you for it until the end of time, your auto pilot consistently answers your cell with your companies mandatory greeting.
If you are experiencing any of these side effects please contact your local complaints department immediately! I’m sure they’d love to hear form you.
Until Next Time Fanboys and Girls–>