Hello, and welcome, so glad to have you on the team. Let’s just start out by going over a few of the policies, I want to make sure that we start out on the same page.
1. You must maintain a satisfactory performance in daily task and goal achievement.
2. Do not ignore the customers, please.
3. Please, no whining or complaining…this is annoying and I will fire you.
4. Those who are difficult to work with or make excuses for piss poor performance will also be fired.
5. Show up to work for your scheduled shifts.
6. Please do not eat and drink on the floor, or smoke pot in my back room.
7. Do not leave the store unattended for any amount of time, not even to smoke pot behind the store.
8. Do not do your homework or personal budgeting at the cash register.
9. Please do not advertise your personal business on the sales floor.
10. If you need a $5 scarf but do not have the funds, I would much rather lend you the five bucks over firing you the next day for utilizing the five finger discount.
11. Do not steal from the customers.
12. Do not flip off the customers.
13. Do not stab the customers.
14. Don’t even bring the weapon to work (this will help you avoid trouble from any sudden impulses you may feel).
15. Please do not deal pot behind my register, from my back room, or behind my store.
16. Do not share our trade secrets with the competition.
17. I can immediately fire you for insubordination, that means you have to do anything I tell you to do! Muahahaha!
18. Again, just a quick reminder, do not smoke pot in my back room.
19. Do not take a nap on the counter.
20. Last but definitely not least, no picketing in front of my store.